Good people of the Internet, I am a comedian. But more than that, I am a comedy fan. I love watching comedy and have for my whole entire life. And every fan worth their salt knows that the only way to see comedy is live and also in person. If you’d like to see comedy live and not in person, might I suggest Saturday Night Live on the NBC network.
Now that I am on the other side of the microphone, I’ve noticed something about my comedy fan brethren. Sometimes, they are shitty at going to shows. Just god awful. But don’t fret, guy or girl going to see live comedy, I’m going to help you do it better. Because a better audience means a better show. And a better show means there’s a better chance of everyone in the crowd as well as myself, feeling happy. And if that’s not the point of this whole deal, then what is? Money?! Yea, probably money.
DO SOME RESEARCH, BRO. Every single club in the country has a website. There’s a fantastic chance that you bought your tickets on said website. Unless this club is in the business of the ol’ trickaroo, they will have the name of at least one of the comics on the bill. Go ahead and utilize the Internet and check them out on their website, youtube, twitter and whatever other content they have available on the web. If you don’t like what you see, stay home. Don’t put yourself through an expensive night of comedy that you know you won’t enjoy. After ticket prices, drinks, maybe some apps and hopefully some merch, you can’t afford not to look up who you’re seeing. You don’t just randomly walk into movie theaters do you? No. That would be crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re cool.
Get There Early. Not only the comics, but also the staff and management really appreciate a full room before the show starts. That way, there’s no seating or menu looking at or phone turning off during the MCs, or god forbid, the feature’s set. That can be super distracting and disruptive. Also, it’s rude. Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I have feelings too?
Don’t Be Afraid to Sit Up Close. This is a crazy trend that I’ve never understood. Nearly every weekend, I’ll hear someone say “I don’t want to sit up close. They’ll make fun of us?!”. The only way you can guarantee that happening is if you act like a real talkative yappy jerko. Yes, we all know you are very interesting. But not as interesting as the human who is being paid to talk that is only like 20 feet from you.
Don’t Use Witchcraft. Yea, you spent a lot of time, money and effort on becoming a witch. I totally get it and respect you for it, but a comedy show is not the place for spells. The only spelling that belongs in a comedy club is a word bubble coming out of your stupid witch head that spells “HAHAHAHAHA”.
Don’t Be A Nazi. This is America and we won the war. Besides, Nazism is incredibly tacky. Stay home and polish your vintage weird shaped helmet. Unless it’s Nazi night. Then go crazy!
Pay Your Tab. It’s stealing if you don’t, FYI. It’s also stealing if you take anything from the club. Don’t steal anything. Just in general. Except for the heart of a person that you really like. Steal the shit out of that.
Don’t Be a Bachelorrette Party With Light Up Penis Stuff. If you do that then you’ll have a bunch of light up penis stuff in a place where there are adults.
So there ya go. If you follow these simple guidelines, then you’ll probably enjoy every single comedy show you’ll see until the end of time. Unless they change comedy to be something else. If that happens, I got nothing for ya.