Mike O’Keefe’s Rules?: Comedy

Good people of the Internet, I am a comedian. But more than that, I am a comedy fan. I love watching comedy and have for my whole entire life. And every fan worth their salt knows that the only way to see comedy is live and also in person. If you’d like to see comedy live and not in person, might I suggest Saturday Night Live on the NBC network.

Now that I am on the other side of the microphone, I’ve noticed something about my comedy fan brethren. Sometimes, they are shitty at going to shows. Just god awful. But don’t fret, guy or girl going to see live comedy, I’m going to help you do it better. Because a better audience means a better show. And a better show means there’s a better chance of everyone in the crowd as well as myself, feeling happy. And if that’s not the point of this whole deal, then what is? Money?! Yea, probably money.

DO SOME RESEARCH, BRO. Every single club in the country has a website. There’s a fantastic chance that you bought your tickets on said website. Unless this club is in the business of the ol’ trickaroo, they will have the name of at least one of the comics on the bill. Go ahead and utilize the Internet and check them out on their website, youtube, twitter and whatever other content they have available on the web. If you don’t like what you see, stay home. Don’t put yourself through an expensive night of comedy that you know you won’t enjoy. After ticket prices, drinks, maybe some apps and hopefully some merch, you can’t afford not to look up who you’re seeing. You don’t just randomly walk into movie theaters do you? No. That would be crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re cool.

Get There Early. Not only the comics, but also the staff and management really appreciate a full room before the show starts. That way, there’s no seating or menu looking at or phone turning off during the MCs, or god forbid, the feature’s set. That can be super distracting and disruptive. Also, it’s rude. Why you gotta be so rude? Don’t you know I have feelings too?

Don’t Be Afraid to Sit Up Close. This is a crazy trend that I’ve never understood. Nearly every weekend, I’ll hear someone say “I don’t want to sit up close. They’ll make fun of us?!”. The only way you can guarantee that happening is if you act like a real talkative yappy jerko. Yes, we all know you are very interesting. But not as interesting as the human who is being paid to talk that is only like 20 feet from you.

Don’t Use Witchcraft. Yea, you spent a lot of time, money and effort on becoming a witch. I totally get it and respect you for it, but a comedy show is not the place for spells. The only spelling that belongs in a comedy club is a word bubble coming out of your stupid witch head that spells “HAHAHAHAHA”.

Don’t Be A Nazi. This is America and we won the war. Besides, Nazism is incredibly tacky. Stay home and polish your vintage weird shaped helmet. Unless it’s Nazi night. Then go crazy!

Pay Your Tab. It’s stealing if you don’t, FYI. It’s also stealing if you take anything from the club. Don’t steal anything. Just in general. Except for the heart of a person that you really like. Steal the shit out of that.

Don’t Be a Bachelorrette Party With Light Up Penis Stuff. If you do that then you’ll have a bunch of light up penis stuff in a place where there are adults.

So there ya go. If you follow these simple guidelines, then you’ll probably enjoy every single comedy show you’ll see until the end of time. Unless they change comedy to be something else. If that happens, I got nothing for ya.

State of the Jackass

2014 was what we in the business call “a good year”.  I was lucky enough to work more than I ever have in my career.  I put out a cd that you should totally get on iTunes. I also took on and quickly abandoned a web series featuring my dog, and some topical jokes.  Unfortunately, my travel schedule was too much for Milo to handle and he became really needy and a huge diva so we decided to keep our relationship strictly to cuddles, walks, and doing sweet flips on the bed.

But thats not what I’m here to talk about.  I’m here to talk about 2015.

As the year begins, we embark on a whole new journey in comedy, humor, giggles and fast food style restaurants.  I pledge to bring an incredible amount of memorable moments to you, the comedy fan and/or weird spambot.  How am I going to do that?  I will tell you how I’m going to do it.

I’m changing my fake nickname that no one calls me to The Grand Marshall of the Babe Parade.  While it is a one woman parade for the foreseeable future, that will not stop me from putting on a sash and a top hat to watch horses pooping in public in the good name of babeage.  Also, I’d like to reiterate that absolutely no one will call me this and that’s probably for the best.  NOTE: also no actual parade.

I’m bringing back the word “hussy”.  It seems that in this new age of political correctness and jezebel.com, a lot of comics are complaining that they can’t say anything.  Well, those comics probably weren’t saying anything super intelligent or cool in the first place.  Mainly, because they weren’t using the word “hussy”.  Derived from the Dutch word “Hussenmeijerpussyfag”, it simply means an unsavory lady.  It conjures images of a bygone era where everything was simpler.  The kind of era that we need to bring back.  Except for the intense racism.  And not letting women vote.  Oh, pardon me, not letting hussies vote.

More t-shirts onstage.  What says “hey man, I’m going to tell some jokes” more than a twenty something white male in a tshirt?!  Absolutely nothing!  Some will have the names of my favorite sports teams, some will have designs and hell some may just be blank.  The upper half of my body will be a blank canvas!  A blank canvas that I will probably but a dope Batman shirt over.

Drink More Water.  That’s just a good suggestion for anyone, especially humans.  Sorry, spambots!  Water hurts you!

Eat The Fucking Cake.  As much as I love being a comedian, I have lost a lot in this business.  2014, while mostly triumphant, was a banner year for sadness.  I lost 3 friends.  While incredibly heartbreaking, I would be doing a disservice to them and their memories if i didn’t grab life by it’s stupid balls and/or hussy hole and squeeze the absolute shit out of it.  As the late, great Bill Young would say, I will eat the fucking cake. I might even have seconds.  Have you guys ever had cake? It’s delicious.

There it is.  This is how I’m going to get all up in 2015’s business.  And I’ll start this weekend and the beautiful Holly Hotel in Holly, Michigan.  Or most likely the weekend after that at the Comedy Castle in Royal Oak.  Or next month at Dangerfield’s in Shakopee. Who knows.  Eventually.

See ya in the pit,

O’Keefe

Wherever They’ll Have Me is now on Pandora!

Open up that box, you stupid ass nerds.

My ep, which came out this past January, is now on Pandora.  While I am obviously a Spotify man, it’d be cool if you all checked out my station.  I’m sure it will yield me upwards of eights of a cent in the next 3-7 months.  Also, I’m sure it’s just my 2 least favorite bits and then a bunch of Ukrainian folk music about poops and farts.

Heres the link:  PANDORA, YOU DUMMY

Gimmie Five With Mike and Milo

So here is my new venture. Each week, I’ll do some jokes into a computer with my trusty sidekick, Milo. I should tell you that Milo is a 3 year old Chihuahua/ Daschund mix that has not stopped licking my face for the last 3 months. I’ll try to make sense of the week’s events all while being attacked with cuteness. Subscribe and come on our journey of friendship, hilarity and making use of the CNN app.